It's been a while, I know. And I still have nothing new to say. But with the Internet all awash in misty watercolor memories of a seemingly ancient political scandal, and seeing all sorts of fallout articles about how Millennials view feminism, I thought I'd dredge up an old, unpublished gem from my laptop's innards that I think is a wee bit timely. It's a parody essay about feminism, written from the view of an ignorant-yet-trying-to-be-intelligent high school student in 1998. It was rejected - years ago - for publicationelsewhere when I initially wrote it in 2007, so hell, why not here? ("Hell, why not here?" is, coincidentally, a rejected tagline for this site.)
I reiterate: it's a parody essay, written in another character's voice. It does not reflect my own opinion, beliefs, or general knowledge. Don't be all snarky and quote any lines out of context. And again, think 1998. Oh, and it's supposed to be funny, or maybe it isn't… but that's the way it always goes here at "web…blah…log."
I shouldn't have to qualify a post that much, but it's the Internet, so you know that I do.
There is no such thing as a slam dunk on the Internet. There is no such thing as an uncontroversial opinion, no matter how innocuous it may seem to be. You can’t win. Let me repeat that: you can’t win.
I can’t say that I’ve learned a lot from my 249 previous posts, or, for that matter, from my 41 years of living, mostly because everything I’ve learned so far seems to be contradicted by all of the other things I’ve learned.
Here is mostly what Every Sound Guy/Gal says to singers, more or less:
Hey, man, how’s it going? Okay, so this is your mic, and here’s how the mic stand works. Yeah, it’s the kind you squeeze to adjust… right, like that. You got it. Oh, and it’s better if you slide the mic in from the back when you put it back on the stand. The clip is a little wonky. We good here? Ready to check?
Now, here is what Every Sound Guy/Gal secretly wants to say to singers, but doesn’t ever say because every sound guy/gal is very laid back and cool and would never want to do anything to mess up a show because he’s/she’s just that professional:
Whenever a public figure messes up -- or, rather, messes up and gets caught -- said public figure usually puts on his most contrite face, stands in front of a podium, and no matter what the scandal actually is, recites the same, generic, carefully worded speech: